Frivolous Monsters

Archive for the tag “Christmas”

A Christmas Eve Horror Story

I seem to keep my neighbours under close observation and scrutiny; from the man who looks like a beetroot Roy Kinnear over the back, to his neighbour whose wandering hands creep into our garden over the fence to very visibly snip through all our creepers which climb up his patchy conifer that overhangs our garden, but this Christmas Eve tale of English horror revolves around the house next door to us which, at the beginning of 2016, was still for sale after being briefly haunted by a previous owner who still had unfinished business in this realm.

horror

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Coffee Shop Writer

This is the last of my six Christmas blog posts and it was dark times in early January when I underestimated my shopping in Asda and, for the first time, actually had to pay for a carrier bag; the law having been changed in England, three months earlier, requiring large shops to charge for plastic bags.1 That’s a whole six pence I wasn’t going to see again. The propaganda stated that it was a bag for life and meant that now I’d have to carry it around with me everywhere I went, for the rest of my days, like a pirate curse, because I sure as hell didn’t want to end up having to pay for a second one.

Sprout Boy

From the BBC’s 2015 animated festive advert Sprout Boy.

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126 Local Sheep

In the run up to Christmas there was a spate of crimes worthy of the local gangsters of old – The Quality Street Gang1 – and perhaps the most audacious act was when someone just down the road from me, under the cover of darkness, stole a whole field full of livestock which the local newspaper totted up as 126 sheep and two rams.

sheep

A Close Shave (1995) / Aardman Animations

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Slave to the Machine

I had some unexpected visitations in the run up to Christmas; knocking like spectral clanking chains. But as they all appeared on the doorstep, and there were only two of them, then it appeared that my role in proceedings was something akin to a cut-price Scrooge for the austerity generation. Times are hard, for everyone, it seems.

vegetables

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Coffee Shop Decorations

It was in Costa Coffee that they once told me how as soon as Halloween is over, even before Guy Fawkes night occurs, Christmas begins. And so it was that I found them cracking out the festive takeaway cups again whilst, to accompany my drink through the large goldfish bowl windows, some wino with fancy trainers was quietly sleeping on a bench outside. The very spirit of Christmas, I thought… for the beginning of November.

Tramp Outside Costa Coffee

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The American Holidays

     I’ve been spoilt by my favourite bookshop Fopp, which sells two books for a fiver, and so when the Spectre Trilogy – the three James Bond novels which apparently tell the rise and fall of that criminal organisation1 – appeared in my local remainder bookshop for ten pounds I thought them a little “pricey”.

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A Christmas Carol

Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is one of the most adapted stories with countless films, adaptations, parodies and pastiches… And so now may I present my own re-telling with a certain supermarket who, like in the tale of Scrooge, I visited three times in search of festive cheer during the long run-up to Christmas. Featuring my favourite blonde checkout girl, I’ll be playing the roll of all three Christmas ghosts, and Tesco will be providing the lack of Christmas spirit… The analogy kind-of breaks down after that…  Christmas Carol Tesco Ghosts Scrooge 600b

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The Many Faces of Santa Claus

I only remember visiting Father Christmas once or twice in my life and on December the first this year, on the inevitable slide towards Christmas, I went along into town where the Art Gallery was holding a local Craft Fair where he was set to put in an appearance with the flyer advertising a “rare opportunity” to immortalise him, in the medium of your choice, with a Santa life-drawing class…The Many Faces of Santa Claus Father Christmas

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