Local Super Villains – Part 02
Whilst both the Sticky White Substance Sex Attacker and the Four-Inch Smear had made the national newspapers, to some extent, they were both eclipsed in July 2013 by a new contender just down the road who I witnessed achieving the rank of the most popular shared story, on the BBC News website, knocking into second place a certain Royal birth which was happening at the time.
It started off a normal afternoon when a local horse rider rocked up to McDonald’s with her daughter and trotted through the “drive-thru”, as she had many times before, only this time she was turned away by some jobsworth manager who refused to serve her citing health and safety. Drive-throughs were for cars, and cars only. He told the woman that if she wanted serving that she’d have to go into the “restaurant” like everybody else… Everybody else who didn’t have a car.
In my minds eyes I see her now, sat on her horse in a poncho, a hat shielding her eyes from the burning midday sun, unruffled by the idiot laying down the law in front of her. She was to have the last laugh, evoking the Spaghetti Western spirit of Clint Eastwood, and she did just what she’d been instructed to. She took the horse in through the front door.
This, technically, is my local McDonald’s. I think I’ve been in there once, almost twenty years ago, but I wish I was in residence that day. It must have been a glorious sight to witness her entrance and to see her clip-clopping in at a steady unswerving pace right up to the counter, to a stunned silence, as if it was a El Paso gin house.
I imagine lumps of burgers tumbling out of fat mouths as the piano player in the corner came to a sudden halt. For some reason the staff inside weren’t too happy to see her either. They called the Police. The horse had its say too by dropping a pile on the floor. I would have been rolling around in the aisles laughing. Obviously looking where I was rolling first.
The Police issued a ninety pound on-the-spot fine to Christine McGrail, 33, even though she’s a hero in my eyes. McDonald’s issued a statement saying that: “The incident caused distress to customers” although what they failed to mention about said customers, and the gene pool in which they swim, is that this “distress” was rooted in the recorded historical detail that when the first deer was spotted locally it caused “alarm” and was mistaken for an horse with a chair on its head.
Then, just when everyone thought the reign of terror was over, two years since he last struck, I can’t tell you how delighted I was to read the news: He was back! My own local criminal mastermind has returned when he was spotted wiping his “sticky white substance” on two more school girls.
My prediction that he “obviously lived in Unsworth” were born out as this was where the new early-morning attacks took place. I narrowed down my predictions still further with this new information and warned a friend with children in the area.
The latest description of the man was that he was “20-40” which was surly as good as a photo-fit, still kept me in the frame, especially as I lived within The Semen Triangle, and meant that my nemesis must now be sneakily concealing his previous “25-35 and carrying a bag” identity by not carrying his bag any more.
I started looking for a good lawyer as it didn’t look good for me how I couldn’t provide an alibi, especially with the new attacks taking place literally just down the road, although at 08.15 on a Tuesday? Like I was up and out at that time. Would that stand up in court?
I needn’t have bothered worrying as the Police finally cottoned on and they caught him. The Sticky White Substance Sex Attacker was unmasked as Dale Cranshaw, aged 29, of Unsworth. My suggestion that Police check out my old school was on the money too – the best tip off they had – seeing how it turned out that he lived six hundred meters from the front door. It took them three years to catch this fellow.
Whilst he didn’t immediately put his hands up for his crimes he was apparently quick to fess up to wiping dog excrement all over a car. I’m not sure anyone was asking, but maybe he just had to get it off his conscience.
The local forensic lab boys did some more head scratching and finally further narrowed down their identification of a “sticky white substance” from just “animal semen” to “the defendant’s ejaculate”.
Seeing that they know who he is now I imagine they might just have asked him.
The court later heard that the assailant “took the ball from a roll-on deodorant and filled the container with his semen”.
Now I’m thinking that it must’ve been bloody hard work; getting the ball off one of those things… Even harder filling it.
When arrested he told the Police: “I need help”.
If he can fill a deodorant bottle then I’m right there with him on that.
The offender escaped jail with a three year supervision order and was ordered to complete a rehabilitation programme. Case closed.
And then, in early 2014, the last of our local Super Villains was also rounded up when they apprehended the Four-Inch Smear, the man who emerged from the toilets of a Ramsbottom pub and wiped his excrement on surprised women, when he was revealed to be a 51 year old truck driver called Mark Follos.
In the absence of capital punishment in the Ramsbottom area he was handed down the ultimate sentence: the pub landlord barred him. Case closed.
So this Armchair Sherlock, like Mr. Holmes before me, sits alone, frustrated, and bored as all the local Super Villains have fallen now. Every single one. Some of them were more worthy of such a title than others but now the streets are safe to walk again. And now I sit here, in the dark, stroking my cat, waiting… For the next one to rise.