Frivolous Monsters

Happenstance, Coincidence, and Fate – Part 02

On a certain dating website I get a lot of mail from girls informing me that I’m the most miserable-sounding person on the whole site. Seriously, though, it’s nice of them to take the time. I also get lots of nice comments about my cat, with whom I’m pictured, and so it’s nice that at least one of us is popular. Thus it is about time that he got what’s due with the ballad of the three-legged, half-eared cat.  b 01 Pod Kingdom

Of all the synchronous experiences in my life these can be explained away as maybe just happenstance, or if not that then by coincidence, and if neither of them then by something more. Although seeing as I’ve lived for over one billion seconds then two of these containing moments I’ve chalked up to fate could probably be passed off by a heartless mathematician with no joy in their soul as mere statistical probabilities.

The first moment of fate revolved around the three-legged, half-eared cat who after a failed period of attempted domestication was set free, never to be seen again…

For when I went out the next morning he was still in the garden, sleeping in a different bush, and I immediately discovered a disturbing lump on his back. The day after that the lump had swollen up to the size of a golf ball and it was clear he needed veterinary treatment. So an appointment was booked, but you can’t expect a hobo cat to be available on demand – even one as predictable as him – and so back into the cat shed he was put like a parole violator.

He ended up needing an operation under anaesthetic to drain this lump and it turned out to have been caused by a bite… from another cat… which must’ve taken place just before he’d been released… And so it was a bite from one of our other cats at exactly the right time that secured him getting put back on the path to salvation. Fate.

And so it began again. As he exploded into a stress-related ball of foam and phlegm every time he was brought inside the house, and knowing my parents don’t have infinite patience, I waited until they went to bed every night before bringing him in, sitting him on the mantelpiece, and then dealing patiently with the mess. And then one day I managed to do the unthinkable, with half a box of tissues, as I managed to keep wiping away at his little face until he stopped leaking. So for a short time I got him to just sit on the mantelpiece peacefully: That may not sound like a great party piece to you, but believe me it felt like an achievement.

So we continued and as the nights passed the number of tissues I needed to wipe away at his dribbling face got less and less until he was calm enough and he didn’t need any at all. Then one evening I unveiled him to my parents, like my very own secret Eliza Doolittle that I’d been training up in the middle of the night, only he wasn’t going to the Ambassador’s garden party because I said look what I can do: I can make a cat sit on a mantelpiece!

Yeah, he could do that but not much else, needing the height to stay above the rest of the cats. And so he wouldn’t go to the toilet, nor eat with the rest of them, nor roam around the house. You can see why this was an epic journey. But still, before the harsh winter, he was capable of sleeping in the porch overnight. Objective one was accomplished.

And so it carried on like that until one night when another cat needed separating from the herd – I forget why – and so the three-legged, half-eared cat lost his porch to sleep in. The only solution was for him to spend the night with me. For one night only. One night. I can’t put into words how much that cat relaxed in such a short space of time, having a cat-free space to himself, and in the years that have passed it’s become our room.b Pod BedI can still remember the look on his face, when he started breaking out of his shell, as I carried him upstairs and he looked up and considered his surroundings. It was like he was becoming normal. It also eventually became apparent that a three-legged cat can indeed run upstairs and run down too if he puts his mind to it. Nature finds a way, eh?

Since then we’ve had to cope with all sorts of gastric trouble with the vet diagnosing the source of his amazing emetic-power, his ability to perform the multi-coloured psychedelic yodel from each end, as gingivitis which required having his teeth cleaned under anaesthetic. Some might say he’s not been too lucky, but then I’ve seen the three-figure dental-bills and think differently as he cleverly turfed-up somewhere that’d pay it!  b Pod 20 May 2012Since then with his health we’ve got to grips with restricting his diet and generally pulled him back from the brink into a healthy and happy cat. He still doesn’t particularly like the others, but he can tolerate them now, and the key to keeping him healthy is keeping him regular which requires me having to take him to the toilet five times a day as he’d just put it off himself and put pressure on his kidneys.

The most endearing thing about him, when I take him to the toilet, is that he does all his covering up with his ghost leg, as if he hasn’t noticed, and so I fell obliged to make the noise to accompany this… He must never know!

And so as he keeps me up until 2am every morning on toilet duty, and then some days wakes me at 6am for his breakfast, I figure that it must be just like having a toddler.b Pod Fire

And that’s the story of how I came to find, adopt, lose, adopt again, and rehabilitate a three-legged, half-eared cat.

Only I often don’t notice that he’s only got three legs.

And I forget about his missing ears.

But I love him like Emily loves Bagpuss.

The end.

b Pod Pictures

Although… The second incident of fate in my life, as you’re probably now wondering, revolved around a very attractive girl at university, amazing eyes, who I rarely saw about the building but every time I did, in her green wax coat, my heart skipped a beat. One morning we both arrived at the same time and getting into the same lift as her made my day. To have the lift suddenly break down made my year. To then discover that the lift alarm was also broken I took as some form of proof for the existence of God himself. Forty-five minutes we were in there. It. Was. Brilliant.

And it was this incident which had a helping hand in me discovering that this girl was the best kisser I’ve ever known.

I did duly ask her out on a date and she turned me down and shortly afterwards left the country and moved to France where she went on to have someone else’s babies.

I’m sure that the overlapping of these two events was just happenstance.

Although later I tried to commit a girlfriend – the love of my life – and she said no and then shortly afterwards upped sticks and left the country too.

The same thing happening twice? I’m sure it was just coincidence.

But then there was also the girl who I would later ask out and she turned me down, and tickets to The Producers, and then she left the country too…

Women and me? I mean, it’s all just sounds like… Err… What’s the word?


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54 thoughts on “Happenstance, Coincidence, and Fate – Part 02

  1. I am seriously impressed by your commitment to this cat. Is this story on the dating website? No girl could resist. If I were 100 years younger, looking for a partner and didn’t already have 4 cats and 2 dogs, I’d be sending you my details for sure.

    • I think the cat was mentioned, but it took me 2000 words to get it down on here. I did have a long profile, but that was partly to fend off a certain demographic! I think these were the ones who didn’t get it as I also got a similar number of messages from girls who told me I had the funniest profile on the whole site. You just can’t win.

      I think the killer detail, which I’ve established doesn’t go down well, is living back with my parents. I don’t stand much chance after that!

    • Thanks, and I know. Like a proper scientist that I am I developed a theory and then tested this with the last girl I met up with via an internet dating website… to find it was all true. I’m sure I’ll get around to writing about her sometime very soon…

  2. I have noticed in my life that the things (people, pets) that are the hardest to look after, and involve the most stressful events are by far the most rewarding when it all works out.
    I think your Pod is very lucky he chose to haunt your garden, finding someone who would pay for his ongoing care and still love him. Do you think he was staking out your street for a while trying to work out where his particular talents would be best recieved?

    • They are the most rewarding I totally agree! As for the cat I do know he was spotted by the people two houses down, but I guess in the end we just had a lot of small bushes that he could flatten by sleeping on!

      The whole cat shed thing means we don’t get cats visiting much whilst they’re out, but that didn’t work with him!

  3. Great story! I’m dealing with a sick dog right now, and you’re not kidding about the vet bills. I think I’m single-handedly paying for a new yacht for this Oncologist. All for a few extra months…but it’s always worth it.

    I have to think your bad luck with women is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and your certainty that things will end badly causes them to end badly. But…I don’t know how you could have caused three different women to flee the country, so maybe I’m giving you too much/too little credit. Unless you only try to commit to criminals, fugitives, or international spies?

    • It is always worth it! But these vet bills do mount up. I hope you are doing OK.

      As for the other, I don’t know? Maybe a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I do imagine I am my own worst enemy. I shall probably now get around to blogging about my internet dating experiences and, maybe, even a blog about an international spy I know.

  4. Do you know, those girls on the Internet dating site don’t know what a kind, patient and caring person they are missing.
    Never mind green eyes. What you really need is a one legged one eared antisocial girl, with a serious anxiety problem you can work your magic on..

    Love Denise

    • No they don’t, but what can you do. Thanks. After this blog, and something that has just happened, I think I now know how to write up my internet dating experiences. And funnily I think it involves the girl you describe.

  5. The cat story is very cute. I would like to (although do not have the patience to) find a cat with not enough ears or legs and save it’s faith in humankind.

    But .. (sorry) .. no to pictures of you and your pets on dating websites. Just no. A picture of a feline on an advert for a man, does not an interested female make.

    Still, though, I want to know the name of the cat, please.

    • Also, I live just down the road from you, and there is a beautiful (although very matted and sad) mog in my road, very friendly. Give me your address and I shall deliver it to your front garden.

      • No to cats? Really? I’m not the normal sort on there as I don’t have shirtless photos nor (obligatory) pictures of my car (which I don’t have). Oh well… I’ve given up for now anyway.

        The cat has his own name which is a secret from us all. Until that is revealed he is just a Tripod.

        And you are just down the road, aren’t you! Getting a bit too close for comfort as I’m used to people in Australia, in America, in London, and the likes… you know a safe distance! Hope you’re enjoying the suburbs.

        But as for the other cat I think I have enough on my plate, thank you very much, but there’s your project right there!

      • I know .. it is odd for someone close by to be reading, in fact, your response to one of my earlier comments sent me in to a paranoid spin thinking you might actually know who I am! I was looking ’round my office at everyone accusingly. On a slightly less paranoid note; how do you know where I live!?!

    • No, you’re safe I don’t know you! I agree you don’t expect to be read by people geographically nearby. If you live up Totting Road, which is what I now assume, it’s because you blogged half your postcode! As you gave me the first half by saying that you live down the road I let the internet work out the rest. It’s alright I’m not about to turn up for tea!

      • Aaaahhhh … Gosh, isn’t it lucky you’re not a crazy stalker since I’m so careless! Anyway, I just googled, and there are at least 3 or 4 places I could live based on the information you have … plus, Totting Road??

    • Yes, you’re safe, but sorry meant up Tottington road. If that’s not where you are then you’re safer than you imagine!

      • Oh – I googled Totting Road and there isn’t one in the whole of England, it confused me. No I don’t live in Bureh.

        But, out of interest, do you work in a Costa with a bookies next door which had it’s window smashed in a couple of weeks ago when they wouldn’t let a pissed man in for a wee?

    • Ah, when you said you lived down the road from me I panicked and took it literally. As you see there was a very local fit for your half-postcode. You are safe then as I don’t know where you are. Certainly not in your office so you can stop staring at people wondering!

      And I don’t work in Costa Coffee, although you’re the third person to ask, and I have never frequented one with a betting shop next door! Even with google street view (it failed me) I have no clue as to which one you mean.

      • I completely misread your ‘About’ .. it says you now mostly work in Costa Coffee. Now I get it. I used to work in Kro Piccadilly, I paid them approximately £12 a day in tea orders for the privilege.

        I walked past my local Costa and the window next door had just been smashed in. The guy from Costa was outside sweeping up and I stopped and chatted to him about what had happened. Thought it might have been a freaky coincidence!

        People in my office are used to receiving weird looks from me.

        So, we don’t know one another and we don’t know where one another lives or works – just as it should be, in the world of blogs!

  6. My mother has a couple of oddball cats too. Her one cat Ripley something something Chantel (My mother gives her cats at least four names) was found half frozen next to a pile of dead kittens and a dead mother. I think this broke part of her psyche. Last year when my mother was in NYC she spent the whole year living on a suitcase only using the toilet at night. Now that she is back here (near me 😉 ) she is living a less stressful life and slowly coming out of her shell. Sometimes she even comes up and rubs up against my legs, which is a big accomplishment for a shy and stressed out cat!

    And I’m sure it is just coincidence all the women moving away. It’s like that moment when you notice something weird or interesting for the very first time and then it keeps popping up everywhere. And the question is whether it has always happened and you are just now noticing it everywhere, or if because you noticed it happens more. I don’t know, but it is funny either way.

    • That story sounds awful. Good for adopting her. It is good when they come out of their shell. Cat’s shouldn’t have a life of stress after all!

      And I’m sure it is just a coincidence, but then I’ve just found out something else about someone who I may well blog about at a later date! I do look for the similarities and coincidences though as that’s what you can make a story out of.

  7. I usually don’t get very sentimental about animal stories, but this one definitely made me say ‘awwwww’. I think the reason for my lack of sentimentality comes from my time working with the Humane Society. I was site manager for their New Orleans rescue and rehabilitation facility following hurricane Katrina. We processed and temporarily housed 1000’s of storm rescued animals. As the facility manager I was forced to make some incredibly tough decisions in regards to the animals. Some of the toughest decisions were whether to release the animals back to their owners returning to the city and seeking to claim their pets (pets they had left behind!). The animals were legally considered ‘abandoned’, and the decision was mine. (I had evacuated the city in advance of the storm also, but I freaking took my 2 cats with me!) For a while adopting ‘Katrina rescues’ was a sexy endeavor in the US, so finding new homes for the majority of animals wasn’t a huge problem. Most of the healthy-happy dogs and cats were, in a matter of months, either reunited with their families, or adopted out. But it was the animals with ‘issues’ which were difficult to place, and who completely stole my heart. Myself, and 2 volunteers, the 3 of us living on-site 24-7, worked with these animals daily to give them their best shot at finding a home. Through lack of funding, and with some training from local sympathetic veterinarians, I had to learn to administer all medical care to these needy ones. I think one of the things I’m most proud of is now being able to do is administer IV fluids to a cat (this is incredibly difficult to do!). As an ‘expert’, I think you did an amazing job with Pod.

    Great story, and even better pics this time! By the way, there are some awfully silly women in your country.

    • That is some story yourself. I don’t think I could have done that, finding such an environment so upsetting, although I have become a colder person of late. I guess when you were presented with such a situation it’s easier to commit yourself as someone needs to do something. That’s not a story we heard over here, and it is heartening that people came forward to adopt, and you are right that I wouldn’t have left my pets behind in the first place! I know how difficult animals can be so I can’t imagine how hard giving one a drip would be! My efforts, with one cat over a few years, are dwarfed by yours!

      I’m glad you think the pictures are better. He has lost weight over time, but as he eats a lot I don’t think it’s anything concerning. As for the girls… Well all three of those are happy/married/having babies with other men… So I guess they’ve got no regrets.

  8. Reblogged this on IsobelandCat's Blog and commented:
    Frovolous Monster’s tale of his cat continues here. Be heart warmed. And if there are any Mancunian women reading this, get a grip, a man who cares for his cat so well should not be the butt of negative comments on dating sites. I know he’s living with his parents, but get over it!

    • Thanks, again, and great to know it’s heart-warming to people looking in. And as for the Mancunian women I’m pretty sure I’ve given up hope for now. But I do get the odd nice comment on the same site, from different women, who get the wit in my profile description and tell me it’s the most humorous profile on the site. Humorous and miserable at the same time.

  9. Just reblogged this. Pod is a lucky cat. Now time for you to get lucky too.

    • And if you want the definition of lucky cats then here’s what I meant to put at the bottom of the above – but forgot to make it the first comment – as if you thought nature had adapted well to let a three-legged cat cope, then you won’t believe the video of this two-legged cat doing just as well!

  10. That is amazing, I love the way it has the completely superior look cats achieve so easily so pity is the last thing you feel when watching. That is a cat to reckon with!
    Btw, I was talking to Sophie Scott who now follows your blog and disagrees quite strongly with the comment above about not appearing on a dating website with your cat. Unfortunately we are all in the wrong demographic, though I do like the way all age is equal with bloggers I enjoy. Your humour would appeal across a broad spectrum I think. Sophie and I also agree that your writing career could get lift off with a book about Pod, coverage in the Manchester Evening News etc, local radio.

    • I know it’s fantastic isn’t it. Especially after all the thinking and worrying about how a three-legged cat would cope. I’ve seen a local three-legged dog as well since, and I’m sure they’re easily adaptable, but I wouldn’t have believed the two-legs without the video to see it myself. Just a pity that everyone missed it as I added it down here, instead of comment one, and I’m not going to harass every commenter with a reply!

      I have found that dating websites have lots of different people, but most men (I gather) go for the overly-macho look with topless shots and pictures of their cars. I only know this as many female profiles contain angry lists of what they’re fed up of seeing. True they don’t mention cats, but I hoped to look different from ‘them’.

      Thanks for the comment, but as much as I would like to get my writing out there I wouldn’t want to turn up someone claiming ownership! That’s the last thing I want. We went to every effort to find an owner, but you never know, and one thing I found is that lost pet websites are EXTREMELY poor as I had to go through “local” lists with many cats lost from twenty-odd miles away. I did think that if it would be run like a dating website, with distance from where you are, that it would make a lot of sense.

      • You know I think that is really unlikely. He wasn’t microchipped. And even if the original owner did fiend him through you any good owner would be happy he has settled into such a happy life. Cat moved in with me from a house across the way. When I met the owner she was kind enough to give me a photo of him as a kitten. Just after I took on MasterB, someone contacted me to say they thought he was their missing cat. He wasn’t.
        Pets are being abandoned in ge numbers. The story of Pod might inspire someone to go to the cat rescue and give another mite a chance before it is euthanised. We humans have a lot to answer for.

  11. Pingback: …things I Loved! Week of July 7th – July 13th 2013 | ...things I LOVE!

  12. What a lucky pair you are to have found each other…as for the dating sit…pish tosh. It will happen…

    • Yes we are both lucky, and I don’t say it lightly when I refer to him as my adopted disabled son as he takes a lot of commitment and planning around. As for the other… well I think you have to high expectations of me already!

      • Nah…these things happens when they are meant to I believe. And anyone who takes this much trouble to help an innocent creature has a lot to offer humanity as well

  13. You are quite the “cat whisperer.” I’m sure the whole dating thing will work out too. One of these days you’ll find the (human) love of your life!

    • Thanks, here’s hoping, but I do worry I’m over the hill. What’s even more worrying is that I’ve already given the title “love of my life” to a girl mentioned above, an then “the girl of my dreams” was the lift girl, so I’m concerned that I’ve peaked too early in handing out these sort of titles…

  14. What an excellent cat! Sorry to hear the love life didn’t work out so well. Wishing you all the best!

  15. What a lovely story and an amazing cat!

  16. Well, well, well. What a fab story, I love your Tripod, so happy that he has a cozy fireplace and a daddy that loves him. Posting a pic of yourself and your cat, good move. To begin with, it gets rid of the riff-raff, I mean do you want a girlfriend who is allergic to or even worse, doesn’t like cats? Women like men who are gentle with animals, anyway it kind of sounded like SWBVR had the hots for you despite the smoke-screen cat comment. Enough about the dating site but did you notice the little flurry of excitement your picture produced among your female followers? No wonder, hot looking young guy, appears to need rescuing, witty and gentle with animals I can’t believe the chicks are not banging your door down. What if you told prospective girlfriends that because you are a sweet and kind son you allow your (wonderful) parents to live with you (it’s kind of the truth)? If that doesn’t work, in the meantime you’ve got Tripod to cuddle and he does keep you very busy. 🙂

    • Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it. It was a story a long time in the telling. Like most of my blogs there an effort to get down. I never mentioned above, but the fireplace picture is such a big picture for me as previously he needed to be higher than all the other cats so to spend a winter on the floor – in the warm – was a big achievement. I do mark his achievements like a proud father of a toddler.

      Now winters over, however, he doesn’t sleep downstairs again. He knows what’s best.

      I think I was only ever half serious about finding a girlfriend – in my present state – through a dating website and the description I used was certainly meant to filter out the “riff raff”. I’m starting to compile the information and stories about my history of internet dating and I get the impression that it might be a long one too… And I only ever met up with two girls over nearly ten years! I’m not sure I could take much more than that.

      And I had noticed, when in the past I had included pictures of the cat, how the female commenters were all over him! It must be a gift he has.

  17. Oh my gosh, almost forgot to comment on the 2 legged cat! How flippin amazing! Animals are just fantastic, that two legged cat reminds me a little of Henri the internet cat, I think you’d enjoy him.

    • And I’m glad you found the two-legged cat. The idea was that he wasn’t part of my story, but I’d alluded to nature finding a way, and so I was going to have that as the first comment… but forgot.

      For some reason WordPress insist that if you have a YouTube video, even if it’s at the bottom, that on the Reader page it will publish it at the top. I don’t know why.

      And I did love Henri. Such a good short film. And I don’t usually like narration (as it’s cheating, dramatically) but I think we can allow it in Henri’s case! Thanks for sharing.

  18. Great post, actually made me laugh out loud ( can’t bring myself to put LOL!). Being told you are the most miserable sounding person on the site is far better than some of the things you could be told! Don’t give up hope, I met the husband on the internet. He’s not got extra fingers or anything 😉 x

    • Thanks, although I am starting to worry I may be miserable in “real life”. I think I’ve given up for now, especially with the internet dating. I’m getting around to writing down my internet dating experiences… ho hum. I am very envious of people like you, but very happy for you both at the same time!

  19. Any friend to an animal is a dear friend of mine. With love, all will be okay for the sweet fella.

  20. I’ve just read the two parts of this heart-warming story! It made me happy … it always does, when I come across stories like this … there’s hope for humanity. I’m sure Tripod is happy that he found such a caring and patient human as you.

    I came across this blog, thanks to Isobel, and I read about tea the first time. I’ve just converted from coffee to tea. PG Tips.

    You really write in a wonderfully entertaining way … really enjoyed it!

    • Thanks, I’m glad you liked it. I’m constantly amazed how people take the time to read such posts. And yes Isabel is good to me isn’t she.

      And good luck in your tea drinking career. When I drink coffee in Costa I’m not asking them to make it with less shots as it’s just too strong for me now. I mostly have tea there too.

      Thank you very much for the compliment.

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