Frivolous Monsters

A Christmas Carol

Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is one of the most adapted stories with countless films, adaptations, parodies and pastiches… And so now may I present my own re-telling with a certain supermarket who, like in the tale of Scrooge, I visited three times in search of festive cheer during the long run-up to Christmas. Featuring my favourite blonde checkout girl, I’ll be playing the roll of all three Christmas ghosts, and Tesco will be providing the lack of Christmas spirit… The analogy kind-of breaks down after that…  Christmas Carol Tesco Ghosts Scrooge 600b

They say that the top two hundred Tesco stores are going to be given a festive makeover this year with the installation of a giant green party hat on their shop signs. After their recent fall in UK profits, for the first time in decades, they admitted that this was partly down to their shops looking dated and feeling shabby. So in April they announced an investment of a billion pounds to turn things around… But, with £1,000,000,000.00 to spend, and all we might get is a big green hat, it seems a bit… you know… Miserly.

The advert

The advert


Visit One: I popped into Tesco last week, to find no magical hat, but I did find my favourite blonde checkout girl for the first time in a good while. If you want to imagine what she looks like then it’s a cross between the actress Kimberley Nixon (her off of Fresh Meat / Hebburn) and the singer / presenter Lauren Laverne.

And would you believe that after an interview for operating the Police identi-kit that they didn’t even call me back?

She looks something like this. And would you believe, that after an interview for operating the Police identi-kit, that they didn’t even call me back?

She always remembers me, knows that I don’t have a loyalty card, and I’m never quite sure why. I asked her how, and whether I was the only person in the country who didn’t have one? She just said “been here too long”, although I’m not sure if she was referring to herself or me. Always a joy, I then hovered on Cloud 9 all the way over to Customer Services and reclaimed the 24p she’d overcharged me on the frozen spinach. The bitch.

I do find that all the prettiest shop girls, in life, tend to overcharge me. Whether it’s the dreamy quality in my daydreaming eyes, or the fact that I’m probably dribbling, but I don’t mind as Tesco reward the customer for catching them out by giving you back double the difference.

So I patiently explained to them how the only brand of frozen spinach that they sell was marked up at £1.06, that I charged at £1.30, and I claimed my 48p. They do make it worth your while to check your receipts, but I guess most people just can’t be bothered.


Visit Two: The next time I was in – still no giant green Tesco hat – I went and secured the same services of my favourite blonde and this time I was buying two bags of spinach: I obviously hadn’t learnt my lesson… Neither had she.

I found out for the first time after all these years that the blonde is a legal student, nearly finished her degree, and soon to leave the world of supermarket checkouts for good. Soon she will be gone… She’s obviously a lot younger than I’d been imagining.

It also meant that instead of buying Tesco frozen spinach for £1.30, which they really seemed to want me to, I was now getting it at the low, low price of 82p a bag! And with a swipe of a barcode my lovely blonde lawyer was my accomplice in this spinach-based swindle… Which is odd, considering.


Visit Three: I went to Tesco and saw that they’ve finally gone to all the trouble of sending someone up onto their roof to install an illuminated green Christmas-cracker hat on the letter O of their sign but, at the same time, they haven’t bothered to fix either the letter T or the letter E that have been broken for several weeks now. Just magical.

Tesco Hat 02 Inside I found my favourite blonde actually doing her shopping. It’s always a surprise to see her with legs. I also found that they’ve finally solved the ongoing spinach debacle by removing any trace of it from their freezers, leaving just empty unmarked shelves and no labels, as opposed to just sending someone down put the right price on. Bah humbug!

It’s a good job I stocked up whilst I could.


And with that, my festive low-rent telling of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, I’d like to wish you all a good and happy Christmas. Below is the favourite picture of myself that I’ve found this year. Santa 1978 In case you’re wondering I’m the one on the right rocking the brown felt trousers… And the green tee shirt… And the messy hair. Basically, if you want to imagine what I look like, without the aid of identi-kit, I think I must have grown up to become Shaggy from Scooby Doo.


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21 thoughts on “A Christmas Carol

  1. Awww, look how excited you were. Xmas was looming and you were too small to notice how dodgy the santa was….

    If that picture is in any way representative of blonde checkout girl you really should ask her out, I think you would have a pretty good chance 😉

    • I know, this is my best Santa picture. I’m just over two in this. After this I lost the chubby-ness, got tall and gangly, and got brothers in the picture too… I’m thinking some level of facial obesity is just what I need back!

      Plus I’ve shown everyone my other Santa pictures… They get dodgier as I got older.

      As for the checkout girl: you must be joking! I see Pablo Picasso in there chattering her up ALL the time!

      • Maybe you could get some kind street person to beat you up for a few bucks, you might end up with an appropriately deformed face then 😉

    • I’d like to hold onto whatever prettiness I have left thanks! And we only seem to have a couple of homeless people in town at a time. And they seem to take the prime location in shifts.

      I once did an undercover investigation of the main one, as I’m a suspicious person, and followed him around the supermarket to see what he bought: Dainty little yoghurt pots, a Warburtons thin slice, and four pints of milk… I mean sure, with the four-pinta, by buying your cow juice in bulk you’ll get the value price, and it’ll see you through the week, but… hang on a minute…

      • Yikes! The thought of yoghurt pots and milk just hanging around until he gets around to consuming them makes me think that he is a very lonely homeless person, who would want to be around that?! Although… maybe there is some kind of secret homeless access-only kitchen and he was out doing a bit of re-stocking?

    • That’s what I like to believe, that they’re not ‘really’ homeless as there have been a lot of stories about fake beggars making a lot of money. I do suspect that they go somewhere and it makes me feel easier to believe this.

      • I bet there are a lot of not-so-homeless milking a bit of seasonal kindness from guilty shoppers over xmas time. Sad for the genuinely needy though.

  2. Been here too long, is definitely a phrase I’ve used before when people noticed I’ve noticed them. But I’m guessing since she is finishing legal studies that she has an excellent memory (as do I) which people mistakenly think is creepy. I can’t help that my brain remembers odd things! And neither is she I’m assuming.

    • No I do remember obscure things too. You’ve all seen from these blog posts that I cross-reference with obscure topics, phrases, similar pictures all over!

      I just think that with the hundreds, thousands, that pass through these people’s fingers in a week we should all be an anonymous blur. Plus I already mentioned in a previous post how I (wrongly) believe myself to be anonymous on the high street. And she has said, in the past, that she does have regular customers who (from what I imagine, and unlike me) must unashamedly go for the same face at the checkout every time.

  3. conroyconroy on said:

    I am not convinced by that Santa.

    • So that’s why I never got my Orvile the Duck puppet… I do realise that a green feathered ‘Orville the Duck’ will mean nothing to you out there. I wanted that so badly and never got it… Cowboy Santas!

  4. Old Santa pictures are the best and I’m with Conway, your guy is perhaps one of the least convincing I’ve ever seen! You look very happy though, so I’m assuming his good cheer got him the job.

    My favourite Santa pic is of me at about 3 sitting on the lap of a scarily stern but authentic-looking Santa. Instead of elves though, he has a giant tin foil alien in a pointed hat as his helper. I look alarmed and not happy at all. Who wouldn’t?

  5. petit4chocolatier on said:

    So cute! The Santa not so cute.

  6. Very sweet! Hope you had a lovely holiday and Happy New Year! Cheers

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