Frivolous Monsters

The Dating Comet of Doom

There are two things that comets are famous for: The first being flying portents of doom bringing bad omens such as in 66 AD when the Emperor Nero took the appearance of Halley’s Comet so seriously that he had most of the Roman nobility massacred to prevent what he imagined as fateful assassination.

Not that he was far wrong as comets only bring bad news, such as Halley’s return in 1066 just prior to the Battle of Hastings which King Harold II saw as the writing on the wall; In 1910 Mark Twain used the reappearance of Halley to predict his own death and he did indeed die a day after its passing; And then in 1996 the Heaven’s Gate cult committed mass suicide in order to hitch a ride with the spaceship that they imagined was patiently towing behind the Hale-Bopp comet.

The second thing about comets is that if you sit around for long enough then they periodically keep coming back around again, and again, and again… Which I’ve come to realise is just like my forages into the dating world as last month a girl got in touch me with of a certain dating website, and it all began again.

Hale Bopp, without spaceship…

Consider, since leaving university, nine months later:


  • February 2005 – L01

Not a robot from Star Wars, but with names removed to protect my sometimes innocent victims. The perils of bus travel when you make an obvious innocent comment to the person you’re sat next to and she starts talking to you. I told her, before she got off, that I would have asked her out, but I was a bit too old for her… She said she didn’t mind that. So what could I do?

In the time before we met up she had been seeking advice from the guy that runs her local newsagent (?) and when I saw her next she has certainly cooled on the idea. I took her to what turned out to be the worst Italian in Manchester, with plastic table cloths, and that was the end of that. They’ve since knocked the place in St. Peter’s Square down. RIP.


  • October 2006 – R01

I was driven to dating sites and found R01 who I knew very little about. I arranged to meet her in the posh Cornerhouse Cinema bar which I’d ascertained was just down the road from where she worked at the Manchester Evening News, so my spider-sense started tingling when she said she didn’t know where it was, or how to get there. My panic levels were raised when she asked me not to meet her inside as her eyesight wasn’t too good… You can laugh, but she has a car and a driving licence!

Despite meeting her at 3 pm, and keeping her out in bars and pubs until midnight, whereupon I physically couldn’t drink anymore, she seemed miffed that I couldn’t keep her entertained until 2 am, because she had to stay up until then because her brother was coming around to visit. She went on to express a further lack of interest in me, sure that there was much better out there, then months later came crawling back after obviously finding that there isn’t. Which was sort-of encouraging, in a way. Naturally I gave her the short shrift that she deserved.


  • May 2007 – L02

Just something that kind-of happened, took her to see Danny Boyle’s 28 Weeks Later before it even came out, and then she did her best to get rid of me without being swayed by the offer of tickets to the closing night of Peter Kay’s The Producers. I admitted defeat.


  • August 2008 – A

There is only one A. Some girl I met on a stag do in a nightclub called Destiny in Weston-super-Mare who grabbed me and told me that I looked clever. She was dressed as a member of the FBI (Female Body Inspectors). Not technically dating, but she did force her number into my phone and asked me strange questions about clinical trials. It turned out her father had multiple sclerosis and she seemed to be looking for scientists who could help him out with modern unavailable drugs for him. You’ve got to admire that in a girl.


  • February 2010 – R02

Dating website again, only I found her. I travelled across borders to meet up with her for what turned out to be a weekend in Yorkshire. Her ethnicity was complex and the reason she said why she was picked to be the model for O-Ren Ishii in a computer game version of the film Kill Bill. She wasn’t Japanese, Chinese, nor anything other-ese, but she said that in Sowerby Bridge that looking “a bit foreign” was close enough to resembling Hollywood’s Lucy Liu. That and she owned her own samurai sword… This was a girl who had many weapons concealed about her house. It turned out I was in some sort of competition, that I was unaware of, and through to the final as she made her decision and went off with her lecherous boss instead. She let me know through the medium of Facebook.


  • July 2012 – L03

I do love my Ls. I had all but abandoned my dating site profile, but L03 wrote to me. I thought it impressive that through only knowing her Christian name, L03, and the town she lived in I was able to find her on Facebook in one search, which gave me her full name, phone number, and ultimately the school she works at. Which just shows that some people should be more careful about the information they leave on-line.

So considering the similarities, with my dating and comets, each ultimately periodically coming around again, and each ultimately doomed, I decided to plot a chart of the time between the reappearance of the dating comet. 

So I couldn’t work Microsoft Excel well enough to plot a line showing the average, which is 16 months, and to have the chart a different colour above and below this line, but what can you do?

The dating comet comes around every 16 months, but as I talked a lot with L03, who I realised was actually very busy, all my offers to meet up with her came to naught… Even though it’s now the summer holidays… To be honest I don’t know what it is she wanted. But still, I’ve done my best with her, and I’m sticking my flag in the sand for July 2012…

And no, that’s not supposed to sound rude.

I guess I’ll see you again nearer 2014.


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20 thoughts on “The Dating Comet of Doom

  1. I apologize on behalf of L-disasters. I own two Ls, and that gives me the authority to do so!

  2. Not all Ls are disasters. Just sayin’.

  3. Really good. I have just reentered that weird twilight zone world again myself. Much fodder for writing…..

  4. Oh dear! Better luck next time!

  5. Your post is more riveting than 50 Shades of Grey (or it would be if I’d read the book).

    Is 28 Weeks Later a good sequel? Just trying to work out if the quality of the film had some impact on the date, and if it’s worth seeing. Have you seen Sunshine?

    Good luck for 2014

    • Thanks, I did think it was a good sequel and possibly better than the original. With the original I was left wondering, as a viewer, what salvation we were supposed to be hoping for, for the characters, as it was so doom-laden. The sequel is more the world trying to get back on track, with all the zombies dead and London being cleaned out and the thousands of survivors being installed in a gated community in London. Surely nothing can go wrong… I liked it.

      I was morally opposed to Sunshine from the premise of people going to the sun to turn it back on. The same with that film where some scientists went on an expedition to the Earth’s core to start it spinning again (The Core). I lost all hope there. I have seen bits of Sunshine on TV and I was staggered to hear Rose Byrne talking in an Australian accent. I gather now she’s one of yours, but up until that point I had taken her for the veritable English rose after her role in our miniseries ‘Casanova’ with David Tennant and Peter O’Toole. Seeing that she can also make it as a ‘native’ American in ‘Damages’ is surely the sign of a good actor.

      And as for the dating comment… yeah. I had kind-of already broken my own rules when this amazing girl popped up surprisingly, but I think she has forsaken me already. I don’t know about 2014, I think it may be time to retire from the game completely.


      • Yes, 28 Days Later was depressing, but a good movie. Will look up 28 Weeks Later..later. I didn’t think of Sunshine as real, so the moral issue of turning the sun back on didn’t cross my mind, but now that you mention it…

        Aussie actors seems to be good at accents if they make it overseas. Just as well as our way of speaking can be a bit jarring unless it’s a local movie. Haven’t seen Casanova but it must be good if David Tennant is in it.

        At the point you decide to retire from dating, the right person will come along. I know that because it always says so in articles on dating 🙂

    • I was going to pick you up, on Aussie actors and good accents, as I already planned to mention the (one of the) Russell Crowe incident in my next blog post. Just posted in my Paralympic Closing Ceremony post. However I forgive you as even though I thought he was Australian (and according to Wikipedia so does he) he was born in New Zealand. So all is forgiven.

      And as for “At the point you decide to retire from dating, the right person will come along” well that was just what happened, and that doesn’t seemed to have worked out either. It obviously takes a good while (16 months?) to get over the perfect people.

      • Yes, Russel Crowe is a New Zealander. Mel Gibson is American, but Naomi Watts is Australian. We saw a local production of the play ‘Top Girls’ the other night (your people write great stuff) but the accents were so mashed I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I’d rather hear the actor’s own accent, or preferably their own language with subtitles if not English.

        Ignore my trite comments on dating. The fact is, after 20 years of marriage, there is no such thing as the perfect person. The opposites in your partner that attract you in the first place, simultaneously annoy you the most and keep you together in the long term.

        If you are looking for a long term relationship, you want someone who will last the distance because life throws so many unexpected things your way. If you have similar views and are attracted to each other enough to both want to make a go of it, then that person is possibly the right one. Only the both of you can make each other the right one though, because a relationship is only close to perfect if both are continually willing to make it that way.

        That’s a long way of saying I don’t think she was either perfect or the right one. Not sure if this is any help but sometimes the right one is a friend you have known for some time but haven’t recognised yet as a potential partner? Don’t give up and good luck for the future.

      • I do like Top Girls, or at least half of it as I remember it as being a bit disjointed. I’ve only read the script though. Glad you enjoyed it. And I imagine everyone is disowning Mel Gibson these days!

        And thanks for the advice. I do realise that no-one is “perfect” and that there is always hope out there somewhere, someday.

  6. conroyconroy on said:

    Aw this was a sad and yet refreshingly funny in a human kind of way post. I don’t think you should give up! I think one day one of those comets will get stuck in your gravitational pull and slam straight into your …face of your…face? Anyway I don’t think you should give up, and maybe these experiences are good preparation for whatever is to come?

    And just to put this out there, Mel Gibson may be born in New York but he grew up and went to school in Australia including university, and he got his big break in Australian cinema long before his move back to the US. (for one brief year I think he studied in New Zealand) I am aware aussies don’t want to take credit for that disaster but neither do us States people. I blame his crazy dad. Well that and…
    He’s on the crazy bus with Tom Cruise and co. , and I do believe that’s it’s own special nation.

    • Thanks. I like to spread out my human frailties and life failings for all to see. Do we ever give up? Some time in the future… Some time… And I like to think that all experiences will come in useful later and make us more rounded individuals.

      It does seem like everyone wants to shake off Mel Gibson! For some reason… It’s amazing how far he’s fallen. And yet he still gets to make films. I didn’t know he had a crazier Dad, nor that he was in with Tom Cruise. No wonder he’s so askew from reality.

      • conroyconroy on said:

        I wish I had more encouraging and non-cliche things to say to you about dating. I personally don’t go out of my way and I generally hate the mating game. So I give you lots of cudos for putting yourself out there. People are complicated and in this day and age, and it seems like interpersonal relationships are crazier than they’ve ever been.

        Yeah well at least Mel is somewhat talented in the movie sector. I think the movie industry likes to give people several chances especially if they were successful at one time. I can’t think of any other reason M. Night Shyamalan is still doing movies.
        I didn’t mean he was with Tom Cruise literally… more of a fictional place where people of the same level/type go to be together.

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