Frivolous Monsters

A Foreigner’s Guide to the Olympic Opening Ceremony

It was literally only the other day that I realised I was born in Radcliffe, just like Danny Boyle. Possibly at the same hospital, I couldn’t find out exactly where, but we both also definitely went to the same university in Wales. As you can see our lives have spanned out identically… Except that I’ve never made a ludicrous film about people going on a expedition to the sun to turn it back on.

I’ve not been a fan of London getting the Olympics with its over-commercialisation, its fascist advertising deals, our athletes selling out, and Sebastian Coe, but then on the spur of the moment I did happen to tune into Danny Boyle’s opening ceremony and I was hooked. Besides, I did have another vested interest…

In 2006 the TV programme Doctor Who broadcast a nightmarish vision of a distopian future where Britain hosted the Olympic Games in the far flung year of 2012. It, Fear Her, was that series’ cheap episode and a contender for worst-episode-ever.

Bizarrely the film Attack The Block “borrowed” some of the plot from it, but Fear Her culminated with David Tennant picking up the Olympic torch from the dazed official torch bearer, on a housing estate, and ran with it all the way to the stadium.

And so as the years ticked by fans started to petition, lest the programme should be proved wrong, that David Tennant himself should be chosen to light the Olympic cauldron. And with the identity of the individual chosen kept firmly under wraps there was every chance that on the night it just might come true.


Isles of Wonder (Pandemonium)

Probably my favourite part of the opening ceremony taking in a history lesson from green and pleasant lands, to the horrors of the industrial revolution, and the remembrance of the first world war. I didn’t recognise Kenneth Branagh as the engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel and I felt his performance was lacking a certain something as his hat wasn’t silly enough by far.

Some fools have bemoaned that the opening ceremony was too politically correct, but in a modern era where cigarettes are digitally painted out of old films Branagh accurately portrayed Brunel by smoking a big fat cigar throughout. I don’t know about you, but by screening such a thing on the glamour of TV it’s certainly encouraged me to take up a forty-a-day habit.

I did like the roaming big-hats, especially the Asian-looking one at the back as he seemed to have some sort of serious back injury.

Although after the smoke and the grime the legions of Chelsea Pensioners, and Pearly Kings and Queens, and an army of trippy Beatles clones, and giant yellow submarines were only a sign of the things to come.


Happy and Glorious

I did say on a previous post, before events in the Queen’s diamond Jubilee weekend described here, how in her Jubilee year Her Majesty had surely peaked too soon and I did wonder what other “crowd-pleasing stunts” she had left to pull out of the bag. Well, I obviously wasn’t banking on this:

And certainly not this:

I was disappointed how commentators were quick to spoil the magic for the kids at home by talking about stuntmen, but according to Wikipedia there were American complaints about Today Show commentators who really did believe that we’d just chucked our 86 year old monarch out of a helicopter. I guess seeing is believing.

Although if this Olympic delivery-method alone hadn’t convinced Her Majesty that she’d summoned the wrong British superhero to escort her then the appearance of a living gelatinous Winston Churchill should have confirmed that she should have called upon Doctor Who instead.

It’s interesting to speculate the differences had Roger Moore still been Bond for I can imagine the film playing out, the helicopter arriving, and just hovering there as a billion viewers waited for something to happen. Cue Danny Boyle rushing to a monitor to see the seventies Bond in a state of undress, midway through some carnal act, before turning to the camera to make some witless pun about the royal box.


Second To The Right And Straight On Till Morning

A section about children’s literature and the glories of the NHS was what it took one gin-sozzled Tory politician to declare the ceremony “left wing” because apparently the suffragette movement that gave women equal status and our national health service are what the Conservative party is dead set against it seems.

Conservative MP Aidan Burley’s dream view of British multiculturalism.

The only political element, for my money, is when David Cameron was featured as Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter books trying to destroy the NHS.


Frankie and June Say… Thanks Tim

I had to read that several times before I got it.

This segment revealed a young unknown dancing girl, Jasmine Breinburg, to be the stand-out star of the ceremony and showed her to be our very own Beijing Olympics Chinese singing girl.

Except I doubt that it’ll be discovered later that Jasmine was operated by hidden body doubles and CGI…

However I’m not convinced, with all her dancing, that her legs could really have been attached to her body.

And as musical montages from the sixties to the present day played out to mass choreographed dancing they were accompanied by rocket-pack men.

Big-faced David Bowies.

Oompa-Loompa Daleks.

And unbelievably: Evil Punk radishes.

An army of crazed leaping Punk radishes.

Although in hindsight with the heavy use of text messages, mobile phones, and social networking it was pointing to where this segment was leading.

And from a choreography of thousands dancing it culminated with the little house lifted up to reveal underneath the creator of the world wide web, Sir Tim Berners Lee, with a surprise reveal akin to one of Family Guy’s Peter Griffin abruptly introducing Conway Twitty.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Sir Tim Berners-Lee.

Either that or from the dancing tumult it was akin to the anticlimax of opening a Kinder Surprise to find there’s not a self-assembly fully working racing car, but a one-piece moulded frog figure.


Torch Relay

It was at this point that the commentators implied who it was that was actually going to light the Olympic cauldron when they revealed David Beckham speeding down the Thames with an American female footballer, Jade Bailey, being buffeted about and gripping the torch for dear life.

I was dismayed. Not because of the Doctor Who thing, but because given the accolade they’d seemingly selected a playboy serial adulterer. Best of British? I don’t know why they didn’t go the whole hog and get some other local characters in like the Krays or Jack the Ripper.



I wasn’t going to include this under my Foreigner’s Guide To strand as with a billion people around the world we were all watching the same thing, right? Wrong. If you want to read an American’s account of trying to watch then read Threec’s account here.

For not only did NBC choose to buy up exclusive US rights, but they also chose not to screen it live with the rest of the world but hold it back to later in the day whilst at the same time choosing to edit it so it was more “tailored for the U.S. audience”. This meant cutting out a moving tribute to the victims of the London terrorist attacks, forever linked to the London Olympics, over a wonderfully breathy rendition of Abide With Me.

This wasn’t relevant to Americans? To put it as an over-used comic cliché, so even NBC can understand, which has never been truer said: This was our nine-eleven! I’ve heard it said that there was only two countries where you weren’t permitted to view the opening ceremony: the other was North Korea. Shaming.


Torch lighting

With the Olympic flag they also wheeled in Muhammad Ali with his carer who looked a little bit Rosa Klebb. She was either his carer or his puppeteer.

Although, considering his obvious very poor health, you’d have thought he might have raised more than an eyebrow when they dressed him up like the dead one from Randall and Hopkirk.

Still, when it came to the actual lighting of the Olympic cauldron I take it back: they got someone to wrestle the limelight from Beckham, but they did leave him with that windswept blonde on the boat so it’s not like it was a complete waste of a night’s work for him…

With that look on her face there may be good reason why he’s left the scrawny Spice Girl at home.

So the son of Radcliffe’s Opening Ceremony was a huge success, but when it finally came to lighting the Olympic cauldron, with seven unknowns, there was no David Tennant in sight. Doctor Who fans had to make do with the next best thing when his replacement, Matt Smith, acted as part of the torch relay as it went around the country.

But Doctor Who’s Olympic involvement didn’t end there, as far as internet searches reveal, as it turns up London 2012 logos of a couple of different designs.

Only one was designed by a talented backroom art person as part of a background prop for a 2006 TV programme and the other one cost £400,000. One of them looks tasteful and the other looks like a Simpsons’ silhouette sex act. And I think we all know which one is the best, and who can blame the unaware for picking up and running with the wrong one?

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62 thoughts on “A Foreigner’s Guide to the Olympic Opening Ceremony

  1. They got it just about right – I thought our ability to laugh at ourselves and our “betters” was the stongest point of the whole evening. My mate wasn’t happy that Status Quo weren’t featured in anyway – but he is still obsessed with Francis Rossi. Brilliant post. Thanks.

    • Thanks. I didn’t like the Mr Bean, but understand he has mass appeal around the world and that they needed a “close up” small act so they could clean up the stadium.

      I can’t recall watching any other country’s opening ceremony so didn’t expect it to be this big and not actually about sport.

      I know South Park did an episode about the Beijing Opening Ceremony as the thousands of drummers gave Eric Cartmen nightmares and led him to believe the Chinese were on the verge of invading. I’d like to see how they could react to ours.

      I thought the music was good, even though most of them were too small snippets.

  2. I have managed to avoid watching any olympic-ness so far and will do my best to get to the end without seeing a single bit.

    I am saddened though, that you didn’t get to help out with the opening ceremony after you inserted the visions of Doctor Who lighting the flame and the Roger Moore Bond caught in the act with her Maj into my head…. Now that would have been one no other country could top!

    I can’t believe NBC edited the ceremony, did they really think that nobody would notice that bit of disrespect?

    • Oh you curmudgeon, you. It was very good.

      NBC did do that and the quote above was their response to criticism. In this world of immediate response to group events via the internet it’s unbelievable that they didn’t screen it live. They could just have easily broadcast their repeat later without issue then. If all the comments and articles on the internet are anything to go by then this has been a big dent to their image. I guess you’d have to ask a genuine American.

      • CURMUDGEON! ok, yes, I’m guilty….

        I don’t mind the opening ceremonies etc, I just hate the way these poor kids (mostly) have hung their lives on succeeding at one event when we know most of them will come away disappointed.

        It would seem that we could have some medal chances in the ‘over-use of social media’ and the ‘drunk and acting stupid’ events though.

  3. Thanks, first of all, for linking my post…I guess that’s what we bloggers do for one another. Secondly, Oompa Loopma Daleks…brilliant! Thirdly, I honestly didn’t know anything about the London terrorist attack tribute until I read this. And I call myself an Anglophile and a blogger? I just swallowed what NBC fed me…no rude replies, please.

    • Thanks, the Oompa Loopma Daleks were about the last thing I went back and added. And it was already long enough then.

      I only know about the editing from the media furore. I’m not a twitter person, but I know that #NBCFail was (is?) trending and that a lot of people are upset with how they’ve treated you. I’m guessing you were watching the late night screening. You had me confused for a time as you say you changed channels. I have read a lot of reports of Americans discussing with each other at the time how to fiddle their computer settings, to make it appear they’re in the UK, so they could watch it streamed live!

      • Yes, we were watching the prime time edited version and the changing channels thing was about the fact that the sports bar where were were dining thought the ceremony would be on the NBC sports channel, not realizing it was on the main/flagship NBC station. My persistance paid off and I finally got them to turn it just as the coal miners emerged from the hill.
        I was under the impression NBC did not offer live streaming of the opening night but they are streaming a lot of the sporting events as they happen. Too many options and too much technology for my old-fashioned brain to handle at times.

      • I read somewhere that they’ll live stream the sport, but the class the opening/closing ceremony as an “entertainment” programme, and so won’t.

  4. Brilliant post! It (almost) makes me sorry I didn’t watch it now.

    • Track it down. It’s still one of the most watched programmes on the i-Player. To write this I had to watch it so many times for small details and picture capture, and I now think the music section with the dancing girl (and all her hair) may now be my favourite over the wandering big hats who were erecting smoking chimneys out of what’s soon to be a javelin field, I imagine.

  5. I have been avoiding the Olympics, catching glimpses of it via twitter and the office elevator, but your commentary was just too good the pass up. The Dalek Oompa Loompas being my favorite. Although, I was quite content with Matt Smith carrying on the torch, but I’ve no secret crush on the man. 🙂

    • You should track it down and give it a view as it’s a fun thing. Even if you don’t watch any of the sport after it.

      And that’s a second shout for the Dalek Oompa Loompas. I didn’t know if that was too tenuous a link to make. Obviously not.

      And Matt Smith just showing the benefits that taking on Doctor Who can bring. In the old days it was just typecasting, but not any more.

  6. Great post; I very much enjoyed the Sir Tim Berners-Lee comparison. I like to think he sat in that house watching those tweens dance around him with little captions saying LOL and similar platitudes thinking ‘This is what I have enabled. The world has taken my work and with it they have made this. The Twitter generation. Also, I took porn out of the woods and into the homes, which is lucky because when that boy takes that girl home for a dance in his loft they won’t stumble into a stash.’

    As you are British, I will risk an obscure reference I have been quoting since he graced the screen last Friday. I HATE SEBASTIAN COE.

    • Thanks. ‘Taking the porn out of the woods and putting it into the homes’ sounds like a noble epithet he could have on his gravestone. Either that or a politician’s campaigning pledge.

      Sebastian Coe is like a smug dictator. We’ve had to put up with his journey on the gravy train for years. It just shows where grappling deep and dirty of the floor of private gyms with senior Conservative politicians will get you. That was a judo reference, there, in case you wandered off course… Although I just typed ‘Sebastian Coe William Hague’ into google and all sorts of accusations popped up.

  7. Thank you so much for this post! Brilliant, as usual. Now I feel almost as if I’d watched it…which I didn’t. Just one thing….could you please define ‘genuine American’?

    • Thanks, I meant someone living in America and able to observe any NBC backlash first hand. I’m not sure that from just reading international news stories and twitter posts under the NBCFail hash-tag, from over here, that it’s fair for me to assume that’s the general reaction for you all. And the person I linked to above, Threec, I think is an ex-pat, but for the sake of a first hand source they count!

      • Hmmm….I haven’t heard any backlash about it, but keep in mind that I don’t watch TV at all, in fact I don’t even own one. I also never pay attention to ‘entertainment’ type news online, reading your post is the first I heard of the whole NBC thing. I honestly don’t see why people are so shocked. Does being jerked around by media really surprise them? Really?

        It seems so blatantly American; accept the crap they offer, accept an ‘edited for US audience’ view of the word…and then only after a few friends tweet about it or post it on facebook do they then jump on the bandwagon and suddenly become so ‘offended’ and ‘shocked’.

  8. The Olympics opening was great showing very recognizable aspects of British culture, well I’ve noticed one aspect of Brit culture I greatly admire the stiff upper lip, I thought it was dying but manifests in different forms like self deprecation

    • I think stiff upper lip couldn’t have been portrayed better than by the 86 year old Queen and her 91 year old husband, fresh out of hospital, who sat there (without much interest, I imagine) watching music they don’t like until 1 am because they had to. All in a day’s work.

  9. Fantastic post. I have never watched an Olympics in my life. And never will. As an American, NBC’s decision sickens me & embarrasses me. But I will just add it to the list of things American companies do that annoy me.

    You posted “This is ouT nine-eleven” instead of “our 9/11”. Which for the few seconds before I figured out what you meant sounded like you were saying “our tragedy out 9/11’s your tragedy.” Then I was embarrassed again but this time by my own ignorance.

    • Thanks, I’m not an Olympics fan and haven’t seen any opening ceremonies before. I saw the handover to us in Beijing (with some sort of robot London bus) and that was just embarrassing, so I had really low expectations.

      There are some pretty sickening things going on over here with sponsorship deals. We now have, next to the stadium I think, the biggest McDonalds in the world! How is that even possible? The sponsorship deals are enforced by the SS so say a commentator on the archery had an umbrella with sponsorship on that wasn’t “official” (i.e. a normal golf umbrella) and so he had it taken off him. Chip shops are not allowed to sell chips! Only McDonalds can sell chips on their own, and they don’t even sell them, they sell fries!

      And yes it was supposed to be OUR. I spotted it this afternoon, but the problem with wordpress is that going back in, I find, just to make a tiny change can cause it to forget all the formatting and take ages to set it right again. I’ll have to do it now!

      • It is, in my opinion, the climax of the article. The most powerful line. I didn’t mean to point out a typo. I just thought it was funny that my mind had to add words to make it mean what I thought it meant, when all I had to do was change a T to an R. And maybe that, that touchiness with national tragedy, that perceived offense taken from a typo, that American ego & ignorance, maybe that’s why NBC didn’t air it.

      • No, you are right. I don’t like mistakes, but when I went back in it “forgot” all my spacings I’d put in around the headings, so I had to do all the altering and checking until it was right again. And I wasn’t comparing incidents saying ours was worse than yours! Thanks for your comment.

  10. Emmy Charlotte Watts on said:

    Awesome review. I liked the beginning and thought the end was shit – there’s mine.

    • Thanks. Your review’s a bit smaller than mine. I imagine it didn’t take as long, too! I do miss your more of-the-moment blogging in the style you used to do.

      • Emmy Charlotte Watts on said:

        Yeah, me too. Life kind of got in the way and I’m working on other fictiony stuff at the moment but I am planning on doing some different posts soon.

  11. It’s almost like I wrote this post myself! So it goes without saying that I agree with most points. ‘Doctor Who and the Queen’s Knickers’ would have been a wonderful insert (oh stop it) and apparently an edited tribute to the Good Doctor was…edited out for reasons of time (oh the irony) and only the Tardis wheezing could be heard during Bohemian Rhapsody, by way of compromise. Apparently. What a fu*king liberty!

    Actually I’m just going to check on YouTube…

    …ah. Yes. It’s there. Our TV was through the stereo so we couldn’t hear for booming bass. Great.

    • Yes you are right on both counts, but… I felt the weakest part were the TV/film clips. Some of them stretched around that funny-shaped house. Some I couldn’t even work out the audio on some of them. So as nice as it may have been to see William Hartnell and Sylvester McCoy at the opening ceremony I feel we may have swerved a bullet. The appearance of a proper Dalek or two (flying?) could have put in an appearance though!

  12. Good luck finding it on YouTube. The scuttlebutt here is that NBC has asked all postings related to the Olympics to be dropped because they have exclusive rights. Hope persistent repostings make that a lie!
    Great post — lovely lovely lovely.
    But you didnʻt mention that the altruists and peace activists carrying the olympic flag handed it off to — THE MILITARY! — to hang it by its little toes until it confessed on the flagpole. Ouch….

    • Thanks. I’m guessing they only have American rights, so does that apply to the international internet AFTER the event? Possibly… Probably…

      I missed those people off (in white) as I found them a very odd group of individuals. The conflict of interests there is interesting though now you point it out. If I had have mentioned them I would have grouped them in with Muhammad Ali as they were all oddly dressed up like the dead one off Randall and Hopkirk. I’m assuming you’re American and if you don’t know what Randall and Hopkirkis is (it’s a British seventies private detective programme where 50% of the private eyes are dead) then word has reached me that America is staging a (another) remake any minute now!

  13. What a great post! I fair pissed myself laughing, I did.

    I watched it several times myself and made screen grabs for my own post, but you managed to put in some extras and they’re good. And it’s all so wonderfully British. I think we did a great job and I agree with you about Mr Bean. I just don’t get it. Rowan Atkinson was much better as Blackadder.

    David Cameron as Lord Voldermort and Oompa-Loompa Daleks? Quality.

    • Thanks, I think a great job was done too. I hear there are big plans for the closing ceremony too… Well the people that designed the big baby (that didn’t come accross too well I thought), the foldaway Voldemort, and made the chimneys smoke, have something large for it anyway.

      Mr Bean seems to have gone down well with a lot of people, but I think he retired from comedy when he left Blackadder. Although I have heard Tom Baker speak about his guest role in Blackadder and behind the scenes he says they were all a bit dull sat on their own reading newspapers. I think he said something like that.

  14. Agreed. Fear Her IS the worst new-wave Doctor Who. Clohe Webber was a petulant brat. Cupboard Monster Dad should have ate her. But DT SHOULD have ran the torch into the stadium for real.

    • I get the impression that it was the series’ cheap episode. And, I think, it may have been hastily written at the last minute as Stephen Fry was writing an episode for that series, but then didn’t… I think that might have been the last minute replacement. Having seen the Olympics it refers to I don’t think time will be kind to it. And a good reason why RTD chose to set some in the year five billion!

  15. Brilliant work. Danny Boyle are you listening to Frivolous Monsters? Foreigners not quote “getting” the density of deliberately semi-obscure references is so very British … like concealed classical references in the poetry of TS Eliot (who after all was American). or as the song goes, ‘Nobody said it was easy…’
    Great post and will follow your stuff

    • Thanks. I don’t think Danny Boyle is reading, but we used to hear about it when he came back to the area to see his Dad who I see died recently. He has been to our local library to do publicity.

      • I saw an interview in which Boyle said it was his Dad who inspired him. As for outsiders not being able to understand parts of the ceremony, the whole of British class system is built on outsiders to one group of another — Cockney, Mockney, Toffney, Oop North — not being able to understand one another. So that bit was right on. Excuse plug for my take on Olympics and athletic charisma:

      • I know he used to bring his Oscar to Radcliffe to take it to his Dad’s social club to show them there. And feel free for the plug (I’m guessing that’s how you found me anyway) as the best thing I’ve found about blogging is showing up the differences between different nations and different points of view over the same topic.

        I have heard it said about America, not sure where now as seen/heard/read so much stuff recently, that they thought we were just the same as them until they saw the opening ceremony and realised there were lots of differences. That’s apart from those who mistook Isambard Kingdom Brunel for Abraham Lincoln, obviously.

  16. I have to admit that I have Olympic fever. That said, I really enjoyed your post. It’s funny how so many of us can watch the same thing and have different reactions.

    • Thanks. It did have mass appeal as there aren’t many other things that could still have twenty million people in this country still watching at half-past twelve at night! I see you’re enjoying the Olympics in the flesh as well. Hope you’re having a great time.

  17. I didn’t see that Dr. Who episode, but it would have been fun to see David Tennant light the torch. We taped the opening (9 hrs behind you) and sadly it must have gone overtime or there was a glitch with the pvr and the actual lighting of the torch didn’t get recorded. Luckily it wasn’t a Dr. Who nod or I would have been sorely disappointed.

    • You want to look out for ‘Fear Her’ as it has some very trippy elements, but drowned in gushing sentiments. I was put off from the start when they reference one of Simon Cowell’s X-Factor puppets. I’ve obviously spoilered it for you and, possibly, the film ‘Attack the Block’.

      The lighting of the “beacon/cauldron/thing” was very impressive and made for a very good TV picture. You probably saved yourself from an appearance from Paul McCartney who the general consensus says was over the hill, or it was past his bed time.

  18. I haven’t watched the Olympics and I missed the opening, but it looked delightful from your play-by-play. I was supposed to be in London working during all of this…I can’t imagine.

  19. London is brilliant at the minute. There is a fabulous atmosphere and everyone is loving the Olymoics. The misery stories in the papers are a mystery. I loved the opening ceremony. Apart from Macca, though he was better than at the Jubilee.

    • It certainly looks it. I have two friends working there and they are loving it. I don’t read the papers and so, without a political bias, have all my news straight from the BBC and have just seen the positives. There have been negatives for so long that I’m happy to revel in the hosting being a job well done.

  20. Brilliant review of the opening ceremony. Haven’t read any of the rest of your blog but will do. And will Subscribe.

    • Thanks, I did try to reply to your blog, but Blogger was after all sorts of dubious information and wouldn’t let me send. I was going to say: “Yes, we are proud of the smokestacks, especially as I still don’t know how they grew out of what went on to become the javelin field. All I do know is that it was a different group of talented people that made them smoke, than those that made them grow!”

  21. This post has made me feel as I have watched the ceremony without expending the effort to witness the ceremony myself. fantastic reading.

    • Thanks, I’m glad it was use to someone as watching all four opening/closing ceremonies to do reviews on here became painful stuff.

      I should note, as I forgot to do it in the final one, that the Queen’s Corgi pictured above died just before the Paralympic Closing Ceremony. They’ve not said if he has further films to be released posthumously, so this might turn out to be his final work. No doubt he’ll get a mention at the Oscars in their annual remembrance of “people who left us this past year”.

  22. Glad I wasn’t the only one sick of the crass commercialisation of the Olympic ideal (sorry was that Hitler’s ideal?). I’m sure medallists enjoyed it and hangers on like Beckham & Sir Teflon Coe. So your blog hit all the right spots for me. You have a follower!

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it. This was my most legitimately read blog post with over nine hundred views. I covered the other three Olympic/Paralympic ceremonies in a similar vain and as my passion for them waned with each one so did the readers: 910 to 152 to 121 to 74.

  23. ‘The disappointment of opening a Kinder Surprise to discover there’s not a fully working, self-assembly model racing car but a one-piece moulded frog figure instead’ – I know this pain. Love your article, very funny! 🙂

    • It’s nice to know that a generation bear the same emotional scars. I don’t know what kids get in Kinder Eggs these days or even if kids even still do Kinder Eggs these days. I used to get them from my Granddad and if they’re still popular 25 years on then there must be some genius running that company.

      • Oh yes, still going strong and still the solid plastic molded figure or the really cool mini build-it-yourself race car. Which is superior, goes without saying.

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