Frivolous Monsters

Local Super Villains – Part 02

The two local Super Villains had gone to ground, leaving me amongst the chief suspects, but then both of them were about to be upstaged by someone new who came riding into town.Monsters Part 02

Whilst both the Sticky White Substance Sex Attacker and the Four-Inch Smear had made the national newspapers, to some extent, they were both eclipsed in July 2013 by a new contender just down the road who I witnessed achieving the rank of the most popular shared story, on the BBC News website, knocking into second place a certain Royal birth which was happening at the time.

It started off a normal afternoon when a local horse rider rocked up to McDonald’s with her daughter and trotted through the “drive-thru”, as she had many times before, only this time she was turned away by some jobsworth manager who refused to serve her citing health and safety. Drive-throughs were for cars, and cars only. He told the woman that if she wanted serving that she’d have to go into the “restaurant” like everybody else… Everybody else who didn’t have a car.

In my minds eyes I see her now, sat on her horse in a poncho, a hat shielding her eyes from the burning midday sun, unruffled by the idiot laying down the law in front of her. She was to have the last laugh, evoking the Spaghetti Western spirit of Clint Eastwood, and she did just what she’d been instructed to. She took the horse in through the front door.

Macdonalds Horse

This, technically, is my local McDonald’s. I think I’ve been in there once, almost twenty years ago, but I wish I was in residence that day. It must have been a glorious sight to witness her entrance and to see her clip-clopping in at a steady unswerving pace right up to the counter, to a stunned silence, as if it was a El Paso gin house.

I imagine lumps of burgers tumbling out of fat mouths as the piano player in the corner came to a sudden halt. For some reason the staff inside weren’t too happy to see her either. They called the Police. The horse had its say too by dropping a pile on the floor. I would have been rolling around in the aisles laughing. Obviously looking where I was rolling first.

Pictures from on-the-spot reporter, twitter person, @hollysinar

Pictures from on-the-spot reporter, twitter person, @hollysinar

The Police issued a ninety pound on-the-spot fine to Christine McGrail, 33, even though she’s a hero in my eyes. McDonald’s issued a statement saying that: “The incident caused distress to customers” although what they failed to mention about said customers, and the gene pool in which they swim, is that this “distress” was rooted in the recorded historical detail that when the first deer was spotted locally it caused “alarm” and was mistaken for an horse with a chair on its head.

Then, just when everyone thought the reign of terror was over, two years since he last struck, I can’t tell you how delighted I was to read the news: He was back! My own local criminal mastermind has returned when he was spotted wiping his “sticky white substance” on two more school girls.

My prediction that he “obviously lived in Unsworth” were born out as this was where the new early-morning attacks took place. I narrowed down my predictions still further with this new information and warned a friend with children in the area.

The latest description of the man was that he was “20-40” which was surly as good as a photo-fit, still kept me in the frame, especially as I lived within The Semen Triangle, and meant that my nemesis must now be sneakily concealing his previous “25-35 and carrying a bag” identity by not carrying his bag any more.

I started looking for a good lawyer as it didn’t look good for me how I couldn’t provide an alibi, especially with the new attacks taking place literally just down the road, although at 08.15 on a Tuesday? Like I was up and out at that time. Would that stand up in court?

I needn’t have bothered worrying as the Police finally cottoned on and they caught him. The Sticky White Substance Sex Attacker was unmasked as Dale Cranshaw, aged 29, of Unsworth. My suggestion that Police check out my old school was on the money too – the best tip off they had – seeing how it turned out that he lived six hundred meters from the front door. It took them three years to catch this fellow.

Whilst he didn’t immediately put his hands up for his crimes he was apparently quick to fess up to wiping dog excrement all over a car. I’m not sure anyone was asking, but maybe he just had to get it off his conscience.

The local forensic lab boys did some more head scratching and finally further narrowed down their identification of a “sticky white substance” from just “animal semen” to “the defendant’s ejaculate”.

Seeing that they know who he is now I imagine they might just have asked him.

The court later heard that the assailant “took the ball from a roll-on deodorant and filled the container with his semen”.

Now I’m thinking that it must’ve been bloody hard work; getting the ball off one of those things… Even harder filling it.

When arrested he told the Police: “I need help”.

If he can fill a deodorant bottle then I’m right there with him on that.

The offender escaped jail with a three year supervision order and was ordered to complete a rehabilitation programme. Case closed.

And then, in early 2014, the last of our local Super Villains was also rounded up when they apprehended the Four-Inch Smear, the man who emerged from the toilets of a Ramsbottom pub and wiped his excrement on surprised women, when he was revealed to be a 51 year old truck driver called Mark Follos.

In the absence of capital punishment in the Ramsbottom area he was handed down the ultimate sentence: the pub landlord barred him. Case closed.

So this Armchair Sherlock, like Mr. Holmes before me, sits alone, frustrated, and bored as all the local Super Villains have fallen now. Every single one. Some of them were more worthy of such a title than others but now the streets are safe to walk again. And now I sit here, in the dark, stroking my cat, waiting… For the next one to rise.

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17 thoughts on “Local Super Villains – Part 02

  1. Even I heard about the horse in the McDonald’s. Does your McDonald’s actually have a piano player? This may be a stupid question, but ever since I saw a ‘Montana Fried Chicken’ in North London, I will believe anything about fast food in the U.K. The less sense it makes, the more likely it seems to be, so I can easily believe a piano player in McDonald’s.

    • I did find an American video news report whilst researching this, but I am impressed that you’ve actually heard about it. This really is local as I live just down the road.

      I’m pretty sure that they don’t have a piano player, but I was just playing up the Western comparison of the gunslinger stranger walking undaunted up the bar. I think McDonald’s can only be improved if they did.

      I imagine that Montana Fried Chicken, unless it is a real chain you have, sounds like a cheap rip-off of Kentucky Fried Chicken. But what do I know? I’m a vegetarian so it’s not my specialist area at all.

      • I also think it was a rip-off of KFC. I didn’t go in, as I am also a vegetarian. But I did find it very amusing, as there is no special ‘Montana’ type of chicken. In fact, I’d argue that people in Montana are known for eating beef, not chicken. Historically speaking.

  2. Phew! Good to know I can now walk the streets of Ramsbottom safely. Although I was blissfully unawate of all this till I read your blog as I was living in Bolton and don’t read newspapers. ……just vindicates my lack of knowledge of local news as I would only hvye neen scared anyway and probably never gone out.

    I can now return from California, where I have been hiding wber since part 1

    love Denise

    • Yes it is safe for you to return to Ramsbottom again. I had to check again, as I was sure he must have had more punishment, and I found that he was found guilty in court and that he was ordered to carry out 100 hours of unpaid work and pay costs of £1,010. Oddly the paper also says he was barred from the pub for a year. I’m thinking he might not be welcomed back too quickly.

  3. I think I will officially vote for this as your most amusing post to date – or at least of the ones I’ve read since I started following you. The bits that made me laugh the loudest were the locals’ perception of the deer as a horse with a chair on its head, the semen triangle, the pub ban standing in for local capital punishment and, last but not least, the ingenuity of somebody using a roll on deodorant container the more easily to smear bodily fluids on the unsuspecting. And they say it’s grim up north!

    • Thanks, I didn’t know how it would go down as I was making light of some crimes (against women and children) that must have been very distressing for those involved, but from my isolation I saw the drama and the humour.
      I cannot take any credit for the use of the deodorant as that’s just stuff that came out in court.

      The deer comment I found in one of those local history booklets you find in the library. I thought it was wonderful, but when I went back to check the detail I couldn’t find it again. Now the library’s not there. It was definitely something with a chair on its head, so think it must have been a horse.

      As for the semen triangle I liked that so much I realised I’d used it here before they revealed what the sticky white substance was, and thought it gave the game away, so had to change it. Although maybe it was obvious what he was up to. I also wanted to use this in the title – Life in the Semen Triangle – but again thought it would take something away from the story.

      Yes, the north, eh?

  4. Interesting how Sticky White Substance Sex Attacker’s early description included his carrying a bag,which he later got rid of, but didn’t mention his cleverly improvised Sticky White Substance delivery device. Also interesting that he only got 3 years supervision. I’d really hate to be the one assigned to do the supervising. Here in the States we hand over supervision of anyone convicted of any sex crime involving minors to a small, but highly dedicated, group of skin-heads housed in ‘Red Hat Cell Block’ at Louisiana State Penitentiary, aka ‘Angola’.

    As for Calamity Christine, I see her as more of a hero than a villain. I can easily imagine her tipping her Stetson and saying ‘My work here is done’ after Silver dropped his load on the poorly mopped tiles of your local McDonald’s. And out-trending Baby George? That’s just icing!

    • All the school kids subjected to these attacks only found out afterwards. So there were possibly many more who never reported it, I don’t know. They did have an uncomfortable brush with him where he asked them for the time, or some such thing. One thing I didn’t mention here is that right from the start they had cctv pictures of him. Shows how useful they are. Seeing pictures of him leaving court – without a hat – I’m not sure I’d have known him if I’d passed him on the street.

      As for how the locals would be treating him my local friend who I warned made a similar comment about how he wouldn’t last long. I don’t know if he still lives there. Doesn’t seem wise as when you’re in court here they release your address!

      As for Christine I found that she outed herself in coming forward to talk about it. To most of the news reports she’s anonymous. Apparently her horse – the much less masculine-sounding than Silver: Minnie – likes the McFlurry ice creams.

  5. I remember these stories in the MEN.
    The Semen Triangle-I bet Barry Manilow is penning the lyrics right now.

    • I’m not surprised. I keep up to date on their website. Apparently there has just been another drive-by shooting when some people went on a spree with a paint gun. They somehow weren’t caught.

  6. What was Christine McGrail fined for?
    I thoroughly enjoyed your description, and yes, I think she’s a hero too. Except that she wants to eat food from McDonald’s.

  7. Well that’s a whole new kind of horse meat scandal.

    I’d not heard of any of these things in the news – I might be a bit scared to live where you do …

    • I am sure we’re no worse, or even a lot better, than many, many other places. These are, effectively the top ten local crimes – as I see it – over the past five years. All condensed into a quick two thousand words.

      And you say all that, but I noted the other day how in Dorset they’ve just brought back the Police Box (1929-style), and how they’re hoping it’ll bring in the tourists, and a friend of mine down there told me I obviously don’t know Boscombe as (apparently) it’s really rough and dodgy with an alcoholism problem.

      Before she said that – and pointed out it’s where Paul Gascoigne lives – I would have thought it picturesque and the worst things it could have were marauding smugglers, pillaging pirates, and irate tin miners. It seems we all have them.

      p.s. In your defence we have just had a drive-by paintball shooting spree.

  8. Right. I didn’t really say “all” that, and I don’t reckon I need a defense really! I wasn’t dissin’ ur place dude, just passing the time with a quick quip … You did happen to put all the events together so what else is a poor foreigner to your county supposed to make of it?

    I’m sure your home has many beautiful things – I’m not judging either way, and I certainly wouldn’t say Cornwall was the bees knees (half the time I want to be shot of it). I could probably put together a very delightful collection of offences from this region. TBH, I’m not too concerned either way.

  9. Pingback: The Top Ten Local Criminals (Addendum) | Frivolous Monsters

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