The Dating Comet of Doom
There are two things that comets are famous for: The first being flying portents of doom bringing bad omens such as in 66 AD when the Emperor Nero took the appearance of Halley’s Comet so seriously that he had most of the Roman nobility massacred to prevent what he imagined as fateful assassination.
Not that he was far wrong as comets only bring bad news, such as Halley’s return in 1066 just prior to the Battle of Hastings which King Harold II saw as the writing on the wall; In 1910 Mark Twain used the reappearance of Halley to predict his own death and he did indeed die a day after its passing; And then in 1996 the Heaven’s Gate cult committed mass suicide in order to hitch a ride with the spaceship that they imagined was patiently towing behind the Hale-Bopp comet.
The second thing about comets is that if you sit around for long enough then they periodically keep coming back around again, and again, and again… Which I’ve come to realise is just like my forages into the dating world as last month a girl got in touch me with of a certain dating website, and it all began again.
Consider, since leaving university, nine months later:
- February 2005 – L01
Not a robot from Star Wars, but with names removed to protect my sometimes innocent victims. The perils of bus travel when you make an obvious innocent comment to the person you’re sat next to and she starts talking to you. I told her, before she got off, that I would have asked her out, but I was a bit too old for her… She said she didn’t mind that. So what could I do?
In the time before we met up she had been seeking advice from the guy that runs her local newsagent (?) and when I saw her next she has certainly cooled on the idea. I took her to what turned out to be the worst Italian in Manchester, with plastic table cloths, and that was the end of that. They’ve since knocked the place in St. Peter’s Square down. RIP.
- October 2006 – R01
I was driven to dating sites and found R01 who I knew very little about. I arranged to meet her in the posh Cornerhouse Cinema bar which I’d ascertained was just down the road from where she worked at the Manchester Evening News, so my spider-sense started tingling when she said she didn’t know where it was, or how to get there. My panic levels were raised when she asked me not to meet her inside as her eyesight wasn’t too good… You can laugh, but she has a car and a driving licence!
Despite meeting her at 3 pm, and keeping her out in bars and pubs until midnight, whereupon I physically couldn’t drink anymore, she seemed miffed that I couldn’t keep her entertained until 2 am, because she had to stay up until then because her brother was coming around to visit. She went on to express a further lack of interest in me, sure that there was much better out there, then months later came crawling back after obviously finding that there isn’t. Which was sort-of encouraging, in a way. Naturally I gave her the short shrift that she deserved.
- May 2007 – L02
Just something that kind-of happened, took her to see Danny Boyle’s 28 Weeks Later before it even came out, and then she did her best to get rid of me without being swayed by the offer of tickets to the closing night of Peter Kay’s The Producers. I admitted defeat.
- August 2008 – A
There is only one A. Some girl I met on a stag do in a nightclub called Destiny in Weston-super-Mare who grabbed me and told me that I looked clever. She was dressed as a member of the FBI (Female Body Inspectors). Not technically dating, but she did force her number into my phone and asked me strange questions about clinical trials. It turned out her father had multiple sclerosis and she seemed to be looking for scientists who could help him out with modern unavailable drugs for him. You’ve got to admire that in a girl.
- February 2010 – R02
Dating website again, only I found her. I travelled across borders to meet up with her for what turned out to be a weekend in Yorkshire. Her ethnicity was complex and the reason she said why she was picked to be the model for O-Ren Ishii in a computer game version of the film Kill Bill. She wasn’t Japanese, Chinese, nor anything other-ese, but she said that in Sowerby Bridge that looking “a bit foreign” was close enough to resembling Hollywood’s Lucy Liu. That and she owned her own samurai sword… This was a girl who had many weapons concealed about her house. It turned out I was in some sort of competition, that I was unaware of, and through to the final as she made her decision and went off with her lecherous boss instead. She let me know through the medium of Facebook.
- July 2012 – L03
I do love my Ls. I had all but abandoned my dating site profile, but L03 wrote to me. I thought it impressive that through only knowing her Christian name, L03, and the town she lived in I was able to find her on Facebook in one search, which gave me her full name, phone number, and ultimately the school she works at. Which just shows that some people should be more careful about the information they leave on-line.
So considering the similarities, with my dating and comets, each ultimately periodically coming around again, and each ultimately doomed, I decided to plot a chart of the time between the reappearance of the dating comet.
So I couldn’t work Microsoft Excel well enough to plot a line showing the average, which is 16 months, and to have the chart a different colour above and below this line, but what can you do?
The dating comet comes around every 16 months, but as I talked a lot with L03, who I realised was actually very busy, all my offers to meet up with her came to naught… Even though it’s now the summer holidays… To be honest I don’t know what it is she wanted. But still, I’ve done my best with her, and I’m sticking my flag in the sand for July 2012…
And no, that’s not supposed to sound rude.
I guess I’ll see you again nearer 2014.